This article contains mentions of murder, sexual crimes, and near-death experiences. It also contains SPOILERS for Criminal Minds.
Criminal Minds is renowned as one of the greatest entries in the crime procedural genre, but arguably the best part of each episode was Penelope Garcia (Kirsten Vangsness) and her sharp dialogue. The FBI technical analyst was the quintessential quirky character that added an air of levity and charm to even the most gruesome investigations. Even as the Behavioral Analysis Unit (BAU) encountered the most disturbing unsubs in Criminal Minds, Garcia was always prepared with a clever play on words or affectionate monikers for her coworkers.
Vangsness portrayed the character throughout all 15 seasons of Criminal Minds, with Penelope only absent from a single episode in the pilot season— even then she was still mentioned, a testament to how vital her presence in the series was from the start. Though Garcia underwent various arcs and personal storylines, there was a certain brightness about her character that never waned. From her first impression to her final words in the series, Garcia’s whip-smart nature is well represented in her Criminal Minds lines.
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“Peaches, This Is The Office Of Unmitigated Superiority. I Am Always Ready.”
Season 1, Episode 4, “Plain Sight”
Before Garcia became the unlikely star of Criminal Minds: Evolution, she was clearly a core member of the original series from the first few episodes. “Plain Sight” followed the team tracking down a serial killer and rapist known as “The Tommy Killer.” When Elle Greenaway (Lola Glaudini) asked if she was ready to work her magic and trace the unsub, Penelope insisted she is “always ready.”
Penelope calling Elle “peaches” is an early and apt example of how friendly she treats her coworkers— sometimes too friendly depending on who she’s talking to, like when she accidentally asked Chief Erin Strauss (Jayne Atkinson) to “talk dirty” to her. Still, her kind and playful demeanor is a pleasant break from the gritty realism of the cases. In the end, her superiority truly was unmitigated, and they took The Tommy Killer down.
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“Penelope. Garcia. My Friends Call Me Wonderful.”
Season 3, Episode 8, “Lucky”
Though Garcia and Derek Morgan (Shemar Moore) flirt nearly every time they interact in the series, they never become a couple. After two full seasons without a love interest, Penelope met who she thought was her soulmate at a coffee shop: James Colby Baylor (Bailey Chase). After he introduced himself and said his friends call him Colby, Penelope returned with her name and boasted that her friends call her “wonderful.”
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Garcia deserved a meet-cute love story, but of course there was a twist. Colby was really Jason Clark Battle, a serial killer who planned to kill Garcia to stop her from investigating his victims. After he shot her at the cliffhanger ending of “Lucky,” the story continued with one of the best episodes in Criminal Minds: “Penelope” (season 3, episode 9).
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“Well, Gorgeous, You’ve Been Rerouted To The Office Of Too Friggin’ Bad.”
Season 1, Episode 1, “Extreme Aggressor”
Morgan may have been a cast member who left Criminal Minds early, but he and Garcia’s dynamic was electric even in the pilot episode. When Morgan asked an impossible task of her, Garcia told him he was out of luck. Morgan pushed back, joking that he thought she was “the Office of Supreme Genius.” She quickly retorted that he’d “been rerouted to the Office of Too Friggin’ Bad.”
It was exceedingly rare that Penelope couldn’t work some miracles on her computer, so Morgan’s incredulity was understandable. However, her response was the perfect display of her sass. It’s possible that her failure was an effort on the pilot episode’s part to make her more relatable, but Garcia really was the Office of Supreme Genius throughout the rest of the series. No reroute was necessary.
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“Penelope’s House Of ‘How May I Save Your A— Today?’”
Season 1, Episode 12, “What Fresh Hell?”
During every case, Garcia took her role as technical analyst seriously, often boasting with a completely deserved sense of confidence. In many ways, she was the BAU’s savior. As such, her answering a phone call by referring to her office as “Penelope’s house of how may I save your a— today?” was a bold but nonetheless fitting description.
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She was an incredibly useful resource during the episode’s investigation, scouring the web for registered sex offenders in the area. After a few red herrings and obvious-in-hindsight clues, Garcia and the rest of the team pieced together the mystery. In the end, the 11-year-old victim of abduction is returned to her family alive.
7
“Your Mom Read You Valentine’s Poems? Hello, Therapy.”
Episode 2, Episode 1, “The Fisher King: Part 2”
The season 2 premiere followed the previous season’s high-stakes finale where Elle is nearly killed by the titular “Fisher King” killer. Spencer Reid (Matthew Gray Gubler) realized his institutionalized mother may have interacted with the unsub and used his personal life as a tool to help solve the case. After he mentions a relevant poem by Chaucer that he knew thanks to his mother, Penelope poked fun by pointing out how odd it was for his mother to read him “Valentine’s poems,” going so far as to quip a Freudian “Hello, therapy.”
Despite her jest, Garcia and Reid grow to have a close friendship, and this episode was one of their foundational moments. Despite having a better rapport with other members of the team during the Fisher King saga, Reid confided in Garcia, making her the first person he told about his mother’s schizophrenia diagnosis. The two had a heartfelt conversation about the hereditary passage, and Garcia comforted him as best she could. The fact that such tenderness bloomed in the fact of such an audacious joke was further proof of Garcia’s prevailing comforting energy.
6
“That’s Exciting! What’s It Like At Quan-ti-co?”
Season 2, Episode 21, “Open Season”
Aside from being one of the most bizarre episodes of Criminal Minds, “Open Season” also includes one of the most iconic scenes in the entire series. While at a bar with Emily Prentiss (Paget Brewster) and Jennifer “JJ” Jareau (A.J. Cook), the women encountered a man posing as a fake FBI agent. They played along with his ruse, with Penelope asking what it’s like to work at Quan-ti-co, mispronouncing her own worksite with stilted syllables.
After the impostor answered their questions with a quiet smugness, they asked to see his badge. To disguise the fact that he didn’t have one, he insisted that it was “Classified.” One by one, the real FBI employees pulled out their badges to brandish, asking if his looked anything like theirs. The man quickly walked away with his tail between his legs while the women laughed. The scene was a power move and a fierce display of their patience in the face of pure audacity.
5
“You, My Fine Furry Friends, Are Welcome.”
Season 4, Episode 4, “Paradise”
“Paradise” might have been a disturbing watch, but Garcia’s entertaining one-liners knew no bounds. The bulk of the episode followed a couple trapped in a motel room, potential victims of the unsub who targeted couples, raped the woman, and killed both before posing their bodies to look like a car accident. When Garcia called in to give the team their much-needed information, Reid thanked her. She replied: “You, my fine furry friends, are welcome.” As soon as they hung up, Aaron “Hotch” Hotchner (Thomas Gibson) said, “Remind me to have her drug-tested.”
This interaction highlights the hilarious dynamic the effervescent Penelope had with the ever-stoic Hotch. Garcia was one of the most important BAU characters, and her strange relationship with Hotch made her even more iconic. Her line was chuckle-worthy on its own, but when coupled with Hotch’s additional comment, it’s a hall-of-fame entry. Garcia’s lines sometimes veered into random, almost nonsensical territory. However, Garcia’s character was transcendent; she was never bound by laws of logic or reason, and neither were her quotes.
4
“Aside From Being Slightly Morally Repugnant, He’s Clean As A Whistle. If That Whistle Was Slightly Morally Repugnant.”
Season 13, Episode 8, “Neon Terror”
Although the original run of Criminal Minds ended after season 15, Garcia’s wit held strong in the later seasons. When hunting for the egomaniacal unsub dubbed the “Neon Terror” by the media, JJ came to check on her progress decoding his identity via his online alias: Quasar22. Penelope didn’t have all the answers, but she ruled out a smarmy reporter they had slightly suspected and called him “clean as a whistle […] if that whistle was slightly morally repugnant.”
In direct contrast to her career field, one of Penelope’s leading character traits was an unwavering belief in the goodness of humankind. Consequently, she had staunch morals and values that she didn’t bother concealing during work. Garcia’s clear disdain for bad people, killer or otherwise, is what made her such a respectable character. When she insulted someone, there was never a doubt of whether they deserved it. Garcia’s judgment was proof enough.
Season 1, Episode 4, “Plain Sight”
During their Tommy Killer investigation, Elle also called to ask Garcia if she could “get into the phone repair records in San Diego.” Without missing a beat, Garcia assured her that she could run the United States Central Command “and still participate in simultaneous Tetris tournaments.” The multitasking would have been a courageous undertaking, but Garcia undoubtedly could have turned that hypothetical into a reality.
Penelope Garcia was a master of hyperbole, and her greatest quotes put that skill on full display. When she bragged about her competencies, it was always with a unique metaphor or original literary device to fully illustrate her point. Garcia’s language was just as vivid and colorful as her personality, wardrobe, and miscellaneous office decorations.
2
“Honey, If He Opens His Mouth I’ll Tell You The Length Of His Teeth.”
Season 2, Episode 4, “Psychodrama”
During the revolting events of “Psychodrama” (where the unsub would take people hostage and force them to simulate sex, with families even implied to participate), Garcia’s technical prowess was on full display and might have been the most important aspect of the investigation. She used a digital perspective analysis rendering software that, as she told Hotch, she wasn’t just familiar with: she helped develop! Garcia went a step further, promising that “if [the unsub] opens his mouth, I’ll tell you the length of his teeth.”
It’s easy to lose sight of Penelope’s impressive intelligence amidst her whimsy, but she was able to find the exact dimensions of the unsub and crack the case. The quiet confidence with which she worked was reminiscent of her previous life as a prolific hacker known as the “Black Queen” in Criminal Minds. She may have given up her gothic style after joining the BAU, but the darkness lurking beneath the surface made her a much more complex character.
1
“I Will Make HIPAA My B—, Sir.”
Season 7, Episode 6, “Epilogue”
During the search for a twisted unsub killing people and resurrecting them to learn about the afterlife in “Epilogue,” Garcia’s far-reaching database prompted one of her most memorable quotes ever. When Hotch asked her to “pull a list of patients in the area with any form of blood cancer,” Garcia vowed with the utmost sincerity that she would “make HIPAA [her] b—.” This iconic line refers to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, which protects a patient’s right to privacy.
Garcia’s ability to break down any barrier in her digital way was equal parts exciting and unnerving, which made it even more amazing that she chose to use her powers for good. Although Criminal Minds got some things wrong about criminal profiling, realism was never the selling point for the show. The procedural was chock-full of thrilling drama and thought-provoking storylines, but what makes Criminal Minds popular in perpetuity is the love it showed to its characters. Every member of the team had their moment in the sun, but Penelope Garcia’s acerbic wit is just as everlasting as the series itself.
Criminal Minds centers on cases of the Behavioral Analysis Unit (BAU), a group of elite criminal profilers who analyze the country’s most notorious criminals as they look to anticipate their next moves before they strike again. Starting in 2005, Criminal Minds ran for 15 seasons before getting a revival show, Criminal Minds: Evolution, in 2022.
- Release Date
-
September 22, 2005
- Seasons
-
17
- Cast
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Shemar Moore
, Joe Mantegna
, Kirsten Vangsness
, Paget Brewster
, Thomas Gibson
, Matthew Gray Gubler
, A.J. Cook
, Mandy Patinkin
, Lola Glaudini
, Rachel Nichols
, Jennifer Love Hewitt
, Aisha Tyler
